The Sign I was waiting for

Today I had my 4 month check up with my rheumatologist. Everything looks great as expected. She then goes, "Well, are we ready for the baby talk?" ................

I wish I could have seen my face when she said this. I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped. I guess I was so surprised because even though I had 100% planned on talking to her about getting pregnant at today's appt, I had almost chickened out knowing that as long as I don't talk to her about it, it's not 100% a "no" yet. Logical thinking on my part, right?

I then asked her if she has been talking to Dr. Anjum (My nephrologist that I talked to a few months ago about having another baby). She goes, "no, why?" "The only reason I'm asking is because your son is almost three. That's usually the time when people start figuring out if they want another one."

Well the news was not good. It was not what I wanted at all but honestly, I expected it so I wasn't shocked. She is mailing me some more information but some quick statistics she told me are as follows:

-75% or greater chance of having a miscarriage

-Almost 100% chance of having a lupus flare up during pregnancy which would result in me being put on high doses of steroids

-Getting off a few of my medications and switching to one chemo type drug.

-and she's not 100% sure my kidneys could handle another pregnancy

She told me she cannot tell me "no." This has to be Ross & I's decision but it is her job to give me the necessary information to help make up our decision. So, instead of being upset I am looking at this like it is just the sign I was asking for and praying to God for.

There have been a few adoption meetings at our church lately so Ross and I might stop in and see what those are all about but for now I think we are going to be laying low on this subject for awhile. So with that said, you won't be seeing a "baby" blog post for awhile.

And if I am meant to just have Nolan, so be it. He's happy, healthy, and the sunshine in my life everyday.

Little Blessings

There have been so many little blessings in our life lately I just had to share!


We are expecting two more neices or nephews in 2011! One is due in February and one is due in April! (Sister in law's on Ross's side) We are so excited for these babies to come and wish both of the mommies a happy and healthy pregnancy!!!


A few weeks ago Ross received direct contact from his birth sister who he has never met!!! (She was given up for adoption 38 years ago because her parents were too young to take care of her). We are excited to build a relationship with her and learn more about her! We feel God played a huge part in this process of finding her. Sometime maybe I will tell the whole story but will wait for now. It will give you goosebumps though, I'll leave it to that.


Ok..these were more than just little blessings. These are HUGE blessings!!!


As the fall leaves are turning, the weather getting cooler and the football fans getting louder, I realize that yet again another year is coming vastly to a close and I am getting closer to celebrating two years in complete remission. Though two years may not seem very long to some, it is centuries to me. Years that have given me back that spark in life, that drive, and the energy to "Seize the Day."


Yet again, this is the very thing that could possibly be taken away from me if we choose to have another baby biologically. The selfish thing that I don't think I'm ready to give up...my health. This has been so heavy in my heart lately and I feel I need to talk openly about it on my blog to get it off my chest. I wake up some days feeling like my family is not complete and knowing that God has a plan for us to expand it someday. But then, some other days I wake up and feel complete. Our family is what it is, and we are 100% content with it. This is God's plan for us and I have accepted that. I hate being torn. I feel like there should be a strong urge one way or the other, but there's not. Maybe God isn't ready for us to make that decision yet. Maybe I feel the pressure to make that decision so soon because Nolan is turning three in February. Or Ross turning 30 in June. Or me turning 28 next July. Or me being healthy at this point in my life. I don't know....


Either way, I'm asking God to lead me into the right direction. I am asking for the strength and direction and if I am meant to be a mother a second time, I will be one. And if I'm meant to be just a Mother to Nolan and a Step-Mother to Ian, I will be just that and I will be 100% happy with that.

Please pray that this decision that God makes for us is accepted with open arms by not only myself but my husband.

Happy Fall to everyone!

Lupus Walk 2010

Yesterday was the 2010 Lupus Walk. We had beautiful weather and a great turn out! On my website, it's showing my team raised $340, however I know some people turned in donations that day and those haven't been accounted for yet. I think my team alone did about $400.00 which is awesome! THANK YOU to everyone who came out and walked and who donated online!!! Here are a few pictures from yesterday:

" I will never do that when I have kids"

Have you ever heard someone say this before?

I am a poster child for that saying. I remember me saying that a ton before having children. I thought for sure I would be the perfect mom with the perfect kids and the perfect husband in the perfect house! Well, come on, don't we all?

Anyways, one of the most vivid memories of me saying this is regarding buying my children a power wheel. You know, those annoying little mobile cars that go like 3mph? They come in trucks, cars, 4 wheelers, even john Deere tractors and riding lawn mowers now!

I used to always say I would never buy my kids one because once you buy them one, they will never ride their bike. Well, I have once again caved in, and this "toy" was supposed to be Nolan's Christmas present, but once I got it home there was no way I could keep it a secret for 3.5 more months! After seeing his eyes light up when I showed him it, It was all worth it and my "I'll never do that when I have kids" was once again out the window.

Luckily this 2.5 year old still has 13.5 more years until he can drive. He is a crazy driver!!!

2010 Lupus Walk for Hope!

I can't believe I forgot to post about this weeks ago!

The Lupus Walk for Hope is coming up in one week!!! It will take place next Saturday, September 11th in Plymouth at French Regional Park.

You can either do a walk (Free) or a 5K run ($25.00). Registration is from 9am-10am, 5K starts at 10:30 and the walk starts at 10:40! You can also register the day of.

You can join my team or donate at: https://sna.etapestry.com/fundraiser/LupusFoundation/Walk5K/team.do?participationRef=797.0.427235358

My team has reach 64% of our goal. Please help us get to 100%! I know I have said it a million times, but every dollar counts. 100% of the money raised goes towards research to help find a cure.

Even though I am in remission, every day I am symptom free is truly a blessing. I may seem like I look well, but inside the Lupus could be possibly attacking another organ of mine and I will not know until it is too late. The medication I am on just helps prevent the lupus from attacking my kidneys for now. It does not prevent it from attacking anything else in my body. Some possible targets include my heart, brain, liver, thyroid. We need to find a cure sooner than later and with your help we can!

Thank you so much for praying for me and my family, supporting us, and thinking of us. I am ever so greatful to have such wonderful people in my life! Thank You!

Another summer coming to a close...

I cannot believe another summer is coming to a close. I wish I could write about all the exciting adventures we took this summer, but I really can't! With this being the first summer of our cabin, we spent every single weekend up there. Though it's been amazing, I am ready to start spending some time at home! Boating, bon fires, S'mores, fourwheeling, and sun is starting to get a little old. I'm ready for pumpkins, pretty leaves, and sweaters!

Another thing I can't believe is that my little boy is already 2.5 years old. It seem unbelievable that he will be turning 3 this winter! He will start ECFE classes this year with Ross and I and is fully potty trained. His speech gets clearer and clearer everyday and is getting sassy as ever!

A few weeks ago I had a check up with my Nephrologist. Having another child has been on my mind a little lately. Baby fever maybe? Nolan turning 3 this year maybe? Seeing a bunch of pregnant ladies lately, maybe? Who knows.... Though Ross and I have not made a decision on if we are going to expand our family someday, I just wanted to run it by one of my doctors just one last time. I knew they had told me "no more kids biologically" before, but I wasn't fully ready to accept it. Saying I was surprised by his answer would be an understatement. He said that he feels more than comfortable to have me try to have another child biologically. WHAT?! He said with how fast my body has taken to the medications and how stable my labs have been he said that he doesn't see any reason to not try to have another one. WHAT?! Obviously...there are risks. Infertility, Miscarriage, Kidney failure, Pre-mature delivery, Preeclampsia,etc. I would have to be watched like a hawk, dealing with a high risk OB, put on different medications and taken off some, and taking a pretty big risk. With that said, this is a decision that will not be taken lightly but I can definitely promise that it will also be a decision that is made within the next year. I also need to still talk to my Rheumatologist about it. She may have a complete different answer than my Nephrologist for taking that next step! Whatever the choice, I ask for prayers to accept the decision we choose and know that decision is the right one for our family.

With that being said, here are a few updated pictures of Nolan from this summer...

Have a blessed ending to your summer!

I'm Back!

Sorry for the inconvenience of having my blog be "private" for the week. Ross and I are going through a custody battle with Ian's Mother (Ian is my step son) and we had court this week. Without going too into detail, the issue has not been resolved and we are choosing to deal with it privately until a final decision is made. (Decemberish). I don't think I write about anything inappropriate in my blogs, however I choose to not have any information out there for anyone to tear apart and change things around I have said. My health has already been brought up in court and although I feel that is irrelevant in this case, I am taking pre-cautions because I know how lawyers can change things and rip you to shreds. My running blog will become public again as I haven't really been writting in it and if they want to rip apart that I workout and run, then they should go for it. However, my health is very confidential and should not be open for debate in the court of law.

After being sick for two weeks I think I'm almost 100% better. It all started with me having the worst migraine ever for 4 days in a row. Bless your heart if you can handle a migraine for two days, but FOUR?! Finally, after losing 6lbs, missing days of work, and being in bed for days in a row I told Ross that we had to go to the ER. I thought that something was seriously wrong. When I got admitted they did the first thing I wanted them to do...CT Scan. Thankfully the things they were checking for: meningitis, brain tumor, and brain aneurysm all checked out negative. Praise the Lord!!! They then gave me some iv's of fluids and medication and I was sent home.

The next day I started getting a sharp pain in my stomach. After a few days of that, and the headache was still there, I went back to the doctor for some more tests. They did an ultrasound to check my stomach for what was causing the pain and again, found nothing! They were mainly focusing on my liver as this is where the pain was steeming from. I was really anxious about it wondering if Lupus has now choosen to try to take yet another organ of mine. They did some lab work and that turned out great too! I'm in the "mysterious diagnosis" bucket I guess!! Everyday the pain is getting better.

I'm thinking most of it has been stress induced. Stress can do crazy things to your body and it would be an understatement to say I am stressed. I'm feeling better though just waiting for the rest of this headache to go away and the minor pain I have in my stomach to go away also! I have really been focusing on giving my stress to the Lord and having him take care of it for me. In fact, just a few days ago I prayed for the Lord to take this custody battle stress away from me so I can get healthy again and to accept whatever decision was to be made. I went to bed and woke up feeling like a ton of bricks was off my shoulders. The anxiety and anger were all taken away from me and I felt like I was ready to take on the world. It is a feeling that I cannot even start to explain but I know that God is feeling my stresses right now and that has immensly helped me get better.

Well that's my update on where I have been and how I've been feeling! Thanks for all the emails and messages of concerns. I wasn't trying to worry people this week, just really needed some extra prayers. If we could stay on your prayer list the next few months that would be appreciated. We have a few long, stressful and emotional months ahead of us. Though I feel like both Ross & I have dealt with this together extreamly well, you have to imagine it is also extreamly hard on our marriage. I pray this makes us stronger in the end and accepting it as just another "bump" in the road.

I will end with The Serenity Prayer that I have been living by these last few weeks:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will
That I may be resonably happy in this life and
suppremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.