Raw post

I have to admit, I feel I have hit bottom right now. I am emotionally and physically exhausted Today was the first day I cried in front of Nolan. Tried so hard not to but it just all came out! He hugged me and asked me why I was sad. At that moment, everything that made me sad went away. My sister told me today to not dwell on the negative and to just be happy that I'm healthy and I have my family. And, I'm holding on to that by a string right now. To start out...We are still in the custody/child support/battles right now for Ross's son and it's just getting so old. I think the thing that put me over the edge was coming home to a $2,300 lawyer bill for just the month of March. We have now spent over $15,000 to fight for this child. Oh boy, could I write a book about this and I hope that someday these memories are as bitter and strong in my mind and I am able to put what has happened in a book. I feel so vulnerable to the devil right now. So raw and open to evil. I have hatred in my head, in my heart. I have said things I regret, and thought even worse things I regret. As I was driving to McDonalds tonight, (Yeah, I'm an emotional eater leave me alone!) I admitted to God that I was surrendering to Him. Asking Him to help me and use me in this time of vulnerability. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. Everything. We are fighting for this child for a reason, a reason we may not even know about at this point of our life. We have drained our savings, and risked our marriage for this child. A child that is not even mine. Sometimes that is almost just too much for me to even comprehend. Sometimes I feel like crawling in a hole and not ever coming out. Tonight is one of those nights. So tonight, if you are reading this, please pray for me, for my family. Please pray we can find peace in the decisions that have been made and pray that God uses us during this difficult time and that we can be glorified in this process.